Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder And Relationships

Signs That A Parent May Have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

childhood_trauma_questionnaire

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an extremely complex psychological condition. Indeed, it is not infrequently misdiagnosed as some other type of disorder, such as bipolar disorder. For these reasons there is likely to be a very large number of individuals who have the condition but are not aware of it.

And the picture is further confused by the fact that BPD often exists alongside (comorbidly) with other psychiatric disorders such as depression and anxiety. Furthermore, many who have the condition do not seek psychiatric help for the problem.

Of course, a formal diagnosis of BPD can only be made by an appropriately qualified professional. However, there are many signs to look out for that may suggest a parent has the disorder. It is to these that I now turn.

Signs That A Parent May Be Suffering From BPD:

The parent :

– shows little emotional or physical affection for the child.

– invalidates / ignores/ minimizes/ derides/ dismisses feelings that are important to the child (eg. ‘Why or you upset? – for god’s sake stop blubbering you little cry-baby’)

responds inconsistently to the child’s behaviour – gives the child ‘mixed messages’ (this is sometimes referred to as putting the child in a ‘DOUBLE-BIND’ .

– subjects the child to verbal cruelty – my own mother referred to me as ‘scabby’ (I self-harmed) and ‘poof’ (I was highly sensitive). Often, when I returned home from school, she would glare at me and announce, ‘Oh Christ, the little bastard’s home’. She finally kicked me out when I was thirteen)

– makes the child feel unloved / unwanted.

– expects the child to meet exacting / unobtainable standards – frequently changes expectations of the child.

– hinders the child from developing his / her own identity.

disputes child’s version / recall of events if it involves criticism of the parent.

– creates ‘role-reversal’ (i.e. the child is treated as if s/he is the parent’s parentthis is also sometimes referred to asparentificationof the child; it may include making the child take on responsibilities that are inappropriate for his/her age (for example, I frequently had to act as my mother’s personal counsellor from the age of about ten. She reinforced this by referring to me as her ‘little psychiatrist’).

– makes the child feel on-guard and defensive all the time.

over-confides in the child (e.g. provides intimate details of sex-life).

– expects the child to be the carer / provider of emotional support.

– expects child to constantly demonstrate undying loyalty and unconditional love, but DOES NOT RECIPROCATE.

untitled

Of course, such treatment as described above can have a catastrophic effect upon the child. Indeed, if the child is seriously affected, these effects can last a lifetime unless proper treatment is sought. I list some of the possible effects on the child once s/he becomes an adult below:

Possible effects on the child’s future adult life of the kind of treatment described above:

The affected person may:

– suffer severe social anxiety.

– feel inadequate, unlovable, of no value and guilty.

– have pervasive and chronic feelings of emptiness.

– feel incapable of enjoyiong him/herself (this condition is referred to by psychologists as ‘ANHEDONIA’ 

– expects always to be betrayed by others  / be deeply mistrustful of others.

– have no sense of direction in life

– have serious problems in relationships, perhaps due to ‘repetition-compulsion’ the tendency to seek out relationships in which one is abused in a way similar to how one was abused by parents (this acts on an unconscious level).

– question his/her intuition, judgment and memory as parent will not accept his/her view of his/her childhood.

have chunks of childhood missing from memory (for instance, I can remember almost nothing about what happened to me before the age of about eight years).

– have a deep rooted fear of rejection / abandonment so will not take risks with trying to form relationships.

– have a low tolerance of own mistakes / perfectionism.

It should also be noted that research shows that those of us brought up by a parent with BPD are of elevated risk of developing the condition ourselves. Currently, one of the main kinds of treatment for the condition is ‘DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY’ (DBT),

NB: It is worth reiterating that a formal diagnosis of BPD must be made by a professional – as I have already said, it is a very complex disorder.

bpd_ebook

Above eBook now available for immediate download from Amazon : CLICK HERE.

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

BPD and ‘Clinging’ Dependency

bpd clinging dependency

An individual suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD) typically finds it extremely difficult to judge the appropriate emotional distance/closeness s/he should keep with those with whom s/he interacts.

This can be very confusing indeed for those who interact with/form relationships with the BPD sufferer. This is because the individual with BPD may idealize the person one day, seeing him/her as ‘perfect’ and as someone ‘who can do no wrong’ to despising this very same person the next.

Very often, this cycle of idealizing and devaluing will continue until the relationship, sooner or later, breaks down altogether.

However, despite the fact that the BPD suffererer inevitably finds relationships profoundly confusing and emotionally painful, s/he often also finds being alone intolerable and is likely, therefore, to feel constantly compelled to form new relationships to make up for those that have been lost.

Indeed, the attempt to form relationships with others may become desperate. For example, the BPD sufferer may become highly promiscuous, frequently attending singles’ bars and having serial one-night-stands in an attempt to feel wanted, however transiently.

Ultimately, however, this is likely to leave the BPD sufferer feeling emptier and more worthless than ever.

FEELING SUFFOCATED VERSUS FEELING ABANDONED.

It is especially difficult to form a satisfying and long-lasting relationship with the BPD sufferer as no way of relating to him/her seems viable :

If a person is perceived as getting too close to the BPD sufferer, s/he (the BPD sufferer) will feel suffocated and push the person away…

however…

If the person backs off, the BPD sufferer is liable to feel cruelly and cold-heartedly abandoned, becoming intensely angry and full of hatred for the person s/he (the BPD sufferer) perceives as having wronged him/her. This almost certainly occurs because, on an unconscious level, the abandonment triggers buried feelings of HAVING BEEN ABANDONED (eg due to emotional neglect/abuse) AS A CHILD.

RESPONSES TO FEELINGS OF ABANDONMENT AND SUFFOCATION:

When the BPD sufferer, in the course of a relationship, feels threatened by abandonment, s/he will typically behave in an extremely ‘clingy’ manner, perhaps placing impossible demands upon the other person.

However, as soon as the other person is felt to be getting too close, the BPD sufferer is likely to feel a sense of being engulfed.

Due to such problems, any relationship the BPD sufferer does manage to form is likely to be ephemeral. However, if both the BPD sufferer and the other person in the relationship both have a good level of insight into the condition of BPD, and with therapeutic support, the chances of the relationship surviving are likely to be significantly increased.

 

RESOURCES :

 

 

EBOOKS :

content_4964975_DIGITAL_BOOK_THUMBNAIL

Above ebook now available on Amazon for immediate download. $4.99. CLICK HERE.

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).