Category Archives: Self-hatred And Shame

How To Stop Taking Things Personally

stop taking things

Taking Things Personally And Low Self-Esteem :

If we suffered significant childhood trauma, we are at greater risk as adults of suffering from psychological difficulties, including low self-esteem. And, if we have low self-esteem, we are particularly vulnerable to being hurt by others who criticize us and negatively evaluate us ; to put it in colloquial terms, we may be ‘thin-skinned’ and prone to ‘taking things personally’. (To read my article on the link between childhood trauma and low self-esteem in adulthood, click here.)

So what can we do to stop taking things personally? Below you’ll find several suggestions :

Methods We Can Use To Help Us To Stop Taking Things Personally :

  • understand that, often, those who criticize and negatively evaluate others do so because of their own problems – they may be inadequate, unhappy, frustrated, angry etc and displace (take out) these feelings on you or project their own shortcomings onto you (displacement and projection are defense mechanisms – click here to read my article relating to these).
  • if a person criticizes you and you feel s/he might have a point, try not to be defensive, but, instead, see if it’s possible to learn from what’s been said and then, if necessary, make changes rather than waste energy feeling bad
  • related to the above is the fact we are complex and, often, contradictory beings who make mistakes and that the mistakes that we make are just one aspect of us that does not define who we are
  • remember that even the most popular people will always be criticized and disapproved of by some – nobody  garners universal admiration, respect and approval
  • remember that not everyone has to approve of you all the time for you to live a contented life ; self-esteem is based upon what one thinks of oneself, irrespective of what others think. Allowing others to control how one feels about oneself is to give away power to them that need not be relinquished
  • real progress in society is very frequently made by those who are prepared to go against the grain irrespective of making themselves unpopular ; this is a virtue, not a fault and demonstrates strength of mind, character and possession of the courage of one’s convictions
  • ask yourself if you may have misinterpreted the situation. For example, if someone seems uninterested in what you’re saying, it may be that they’re preoccupied with their own concerns and not a sign you are boring them. Or if someone you know passes you in the street and seems to ‘blank’ you, could it be they simply didn’t see you?
  • realise it won’t benefit you (quite the opposite, in fact) if you ruminate on the perceived insult/slight/criticism etc. -to read my article on controlling rumination, click here
  • realize that whilst you cannot control what others think, you CAN control how you react to what they think
  • if you have done something wrong remember that, even if you have not been able to stop thinking about it, this does not mean others are thinking a lot about it too – they have myriad other things to worry about and what you do is unlikely to be central to their concerns and thought processes
  • develop self-confidence

 

Related Post :

HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE (HSPs)

RESOURCE :

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY –AUDIO DOWNLOAD (MP3)

CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS

 

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE)

Development Of Self-Worth And Its Relationship To Trauma

The journey of recovery from trauma is facilitated by our understanding of how our feelings of self-worth (or self-worthlessness) developed and how our experience of trauma affected this development.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF SELF-WORTH IN EARLY LIFE :

Early Childhood :

Our incipient self-concept first begins to develop around about the age of 18 months (coinciding with the initial stages of our language development). Around about the age of 3 – 4 years, the newly formed self-concept is (assuming no maltreatment or abuse has occurred) essentially wholly positive.

Middle Childhood :

However, by middle-childhood the self-concept becomes more complicated and, due to various influences, starts to change; important reasons for this change include the following:

  • the child begins to compare him/herself to others (such as school-friends, siblings etc) both positively and negatively
  • the child develops the capacity to feel emotions such as pride, shame and inadequacy
  • the child is able to imagine/fantasize about an ‘ideal self’ and compare him/herself (unfavourably) to this

Adolescence :

During adolescence, the young person undertakes the difficult task of trying to integrate different aspects of him/herself into a cohesive sense of self (self-concept). This is made especially problematic as adolescence is frequently a period in which young people experiment with different personas, thus adding to their confusion about ‘who they really are.

The psychologist, Harter, proposes that a person’s ‘overall’ self-concept (which she termed ‘THE GLOBAL SELF-WORTH‘) is made up of two parts, these being :

  • ASSETS
  • APPROVAL/DISAPPROVAL FROM SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

 

 

Let’s look at each of these in turn :

  • ASSETS :

These include intelligence/academic ability, sports/athletic ability, physical appearance, popularity/likeability, one’s reflections upon one’s own behaviour/personal conduct

  • APPROVAL/DISAPPROVAL FROM SIGNIFICANT OTHERS :

These significant others include parents, primary carers, teachers, sport coaches, peers, siblings, wider family members and authority figures. Self-concept is especially dependent upon the approval/disapproval of others during the period of adolescence.

VARIABILITY OF SELF-WORTH :

One’s self-concept can therefore fluctuate according to which particular assets one is focused on and the nature of one’s relationships with significant others. However, by adulthood one’s sense of global self-worth tends to be relatively stable (assuming reasonable mental health) as compared to during adolescence.

BASELINE SELF-WORTH AND BAROMETRIC SELF-WORTH :

Relevant to the fact that our sense of self-worth is variable is Harter’s proposal that our self-worth can also be divided up into baseline self-worth and  barometric self-worth.

Baseline self-worth is closely tied to global self-worth, Harter states, and this is relatively stable in comparison to barometric self-worth which fluctuates according to who we’re with (and what opinion we perceive them to have of us) and what we’re doing (eg we might feel competent at work, thus raising our barometric level of self-worth, but this level may dramatically plummet when we get home to spend the evening with our cold and rejecting spouse/partner); like the reading on a barometer, this level of self-worth changes according to the temporary and inconstant personal conditions within which we find ourselves.

TRAUMA AND SELF-WORTH :

Our self-worth derives from our self-concept and as a result of a traumatic childhood we often tend to focus upon global self-worth and view this as very low (indeed, sadly, many people who have suffered significant childhood trauma erroneously see themselves as essentially ‘worthless.’ In relation to this, you may wish to read my article : ‘How The Child’s View Their ‘Badness’ Is Perpetuatedor, alternatively, my article entitled : Childhood Trauma : Destroyer Of  Self-Esteem.

Resources :

Related Article : Recovering Our Self-Esteem : Six Key Elements

Self-hypnosis MP3/CD : Build Self-Esteem With Hypnosis

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

 

Harmful Effects Of Labelling The Child As ‘Bad’.

harmful effects of labelling child as bad

‘Acting Out’

Many children who have been emotionally hurt and traumatized ‘act out’ their intense feelings of confusion, pain, fear, loneliness, isolation and vulnerability, which are too strong and powerful to contain, by expressing these feelings through negative behavior such as getting into fights, extreme verbal aggression, vandalism, getting drunk or numbing themselves with drugs

This is, of course, commonly known as ‘acting out’ and children express their pain in this way as they are unable to articulate their feelings, understand the cause of these feelings, or mentally process their traumatic experiences in a meaningful way.

Acting out’, then, is an unconscious, desperate expression of inner turmoil and of a profound need for help, love, compassion and understanding, however counterintuitive and paradoxical this may sound to some.

 

Tragically, instead of receiving the help they so desperately need, such children are all too often criticized, disparaged, rejected and labelled as ‘bad’ by the very people (i.e. their parents) who are responsible for inducing the child’s highly distressed condition, rather like injecting a person with a cancer causing agent and then blaming them for being ill ; or punching someone in the face and then blaming them for bleeding over you.

harmful effects of labelling child as bad

Harmful Effects :

This, of course, can be psychologically crushing for the child, destroying his/her confidence and self-esteem, inducing depression, anxiety, self-harming behaviour and alcohol/drug dependence.

Additionally, the child may go through the rest of his/her life (in the absence of effective therapy) feeling utterly unlovable, intrinsically and irrevocably flawed in terms of character, unable to form healthy relationships, deeply mistrustful of others, cynical, pessimistic and intermittently suicidal.

Also, being labelled as ‘bad’ is likely to intensify the child’s sense of injustice, isolation and rejection, increasing his/her feelings of anger ; this anger may then become a protective shield – a thin and flimsy veneer, unconsciously engineered, to conceal deeply entrenched feelings of powerlessness, vulnerability and despair.

Alternatively, the child may try to cope by ‘shutting off’ emotionally (when this reaches a clinically significant level it is referred to as dissociation‘) and may, as a psychological defense, affect a kind of indifferent, insouciant, disinterested, ‘couldn’t-care-less’ attitude in an attempt to conceal feelings of vulnerability and a fear of being perceived as ‘weak’.

The Value Of Early, Therapeutic Intervention :

The earlier children suffering in this way can be identified, and remedial, therapeutic interventions instigated, the greater the chance that psychological damage is minimized, allowing the individual to go on to live a satisfying, fulfilling and productive life.

Resources :

eBook:

Above eBook now available on Amazon for instant download. Click here for further information.

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

Are You The Family Symptom Bearer?

Family symptom bearer

What Is A Family Symptom Bearer?

In psychology, the term ‘family symptom bearer’  essentially refers to a scapegoat in the family who displays psychiatric problems brought on by the extreme dysfunction, especially with regard to communication, of the family as a whole.

In other words, the family symptom bearer is a kind of conduit through which the psychological problems of the whole family unit are expressed.

It is also suggested that the dysfunctional family of the family symptom bearer is unconsciously motivated to ensure his/her status as the mentally ill member of the family is maintained and that his/her mental illness does not improve…

But why should this be?

One theory is that identifying one family member as ‘the mentally ill one’ detracts attention from the psychological problems of the other family members, of which they may feel ashamed or wish to conceal for other reasons (perhaps wanting to put out the coded message : ‘we’re not the problem, s/he is!’).

Often, however, the family symptom bearer is the least psychologically disturbed of the family on many levels and may have the greatest insight into the disturbed family’s extreme dysfunction – making him/her a kind of ‘family truth revealer’, in effect.

The psychiatrist RD Laign suggested that certain family members may have an unconscious need to take on and maintain a caretaker role, due to their own inadequacies, which motivates them (again, on an unconscious level) to prevent the family symptom bearer from recovering. Furthermore, the focus on the family symptom bearer helps to avoid a focus on, and analysis of, the toxic interactions of the family as a whole.

family symptom bearer

It is also suggested that the family symptom bearer is, in effect, acting out and representing in a tangible manner the whole family’s psychological problems.

The family may frequently deny that the family symptom bearer’s psychiatric problems are a representation and expression of the whole family’s pathological interactions, scapegoat him/her, deem him/her a destructive influence, troublesome and difficult and even exclude him/her from the family, thus evading their own culpability.

The family symptom bearer’s response to the dysfunctional family is, however, unwilled, non-deliberate and unconsciously driven – often, too, s/he is the most sensitive and vulnerable of all the family members.

Frequently, the family symptom bearer has suffered abuse from his/her family and will have unprocessed trauma issues; s/he is also at increased risk of developing problems relating to excessive alcohol and/or drug consumption.

It is important to note that the family symptom bearer’s problems are the RESULT OF WIDER FAMILY PROBLEMS, NOT THE CAUSE OF THEM.

It is therefore vital that the family symptom bearer’s psychiatric difficulties are analyzed in the context of the dysfunctional family dynamics responsible for their genesis ideally by the means, in most cases (if the family is amenable), of intensive family therapy.

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

Shame And Its Agonizing Effects

As we have seen from other articles I have published on this site, those who suffer severe trauma in early life may go on to experience irrational, deep-seated feelings of shame in adulthood, particularly if they have developed conditions highly likely to be linked to their adverse childhood experiences such as clinical depression or borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Feelings of shame can be excruciatingly painful; at their worst, they can cause us to completely isolate ourselves so that we avoid contact with others to the extent that we may become virtual recluses, perhaps only daring to venture out of our house or flat when absolutely necessary. Indeed, the word ‘shame‘ derives from the Indian word ‘sham‘ which means ‘to hide.’

What Is Shame?

When we feel ashamed we feel very negatively about ourselves and believe we are, to put it simply, a deeply bad person. We also tend to assume that others are judging us in a similarly disparaging manner. The sensation of shame also frequently involves feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, incompetence, self-disgust, self-hatred, anxiety, anger, bodily tension, nausea and sweating/feeling too hot.

Effects On Relationships :

Because of our own jaundiced and self-lacerating view of ourselves, we assume others will feel the same way about us (or soon will do once they discover’ what a ‘horrible and disgusting’ person we are). We therefore avoid trying to form close relationships, believing such efforts to be futile given that we will ‘inevitably be rejected’ once the ‘real’ us is ‘discovered.’

Other Possible Effects Of Shame :

We may also try to psychologically defend ourselves from deep rooted feelings of shame. For example :

– we may become preoccupied with managing a superficial image of ourselves when interacting with others which we desperately hope will keep ‘our true badness‘ concealed; this can lead to the creation of a ‘false self’ which precludes any chance of authentic or meaningful interaction with others (in other words, we ‘become afraid to be who we are’).

   – perfectionism / ‘workaholism’ (in a desperate attempt to compensate for the profound inner feelings of inadequacy and inferiority that may accompany a pervasive sense of shame).’Workaholism’ and perfectionism are both extremely precarious ways of maintaining some semblance of self-respect and self-esteem as we tend to continually set ourselves targets which, inevitably, we sometimes fail to achieve. We are then highly vulnerable to suffering a catastrophic collapse in our sense of self-worth as it has not been built upon strong enough, nor sustainable, foundations.

Image result for shame

Differentiating Between Three Types Of Shame :

We can differentiate between three specific types of shame. These are :

1) INTERNAL SHAME

2) EXTERNAL SHAME

3) REFLECTED SHAME

I define these three types of shame below :

Internal Shame : this is a sense of shame we feel about ourselves

External Shame : this is when we perceive that others have a very low view of us which makes us feel ashamed

Reflected Shame : this is when we feel shame vicariously due to how someone else connected yo us has behaved, such as a family member or a member of a group with which we identify.

Often, a sense of internal shame and external shame co-exist within the same person. However, in the case of shame related to childhood trauma, we may (irrationally) feel a strong sense of internal shame even though we can accept that others are not negatively evaluating us as a result of what happened to us (i.e. there is an absence of external shame).

A POSSIBLE SOLUTION : COMPASSION FOCUSED THERAPY :

There is evidence to suggest that COMPASSION FOCUSED THERAPY may be of particular benefit to those suffering from distress connected to the experience of shame.

 

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE)

 

 

Healthy Guilt Versus Unhealthy Guilt

healthy and unhealthy guilt

Healthy And Unhealthy Guilt :

Like all emotions, feelings of guilt evolved in humans for their ‘survival value.’ However, feeling guilty is (at minimum) an unpleasant sensation so what ‘survival value’, or, to put it simply, benefits, does the emotion bring?

The answer to this question is that healthy feelings of guilt motivate us to preserve our personal standards/morality/ethics which, in turn, makes our relationships with others more likely to thrive (e.g. our conscience makes it less likely we will treat others badly and risk losing them as allies/friends).

However, feelings of guilt can also be unhealthy and affect our lives adversely. Those of us who have suffered significant childhood trauma are particularly likely to experience unhealthy guilt which, unfortunately, often persists into adulthood. I provide some examples of how feelings of unhealthy guilt may develop below :

– a child whose parents divorce may irrational blame him/herself for this divorce

– a child whose parent dies may irrationally feel guilty moving on with his/her own life

– a child whose mother suffers from depression may irrationally feel guilty enjoying him/herself

– a child who is perpetually criticized and treated negatively by his/her parents may develop deep seated and pervasive feelings of irrational guilt that are likely to persist into adulthood in the absence of effective therapy.

WHAT ARE THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF SUCH IRRATIONAL, UNHEALTHY GUILT?

  1. DISTRESS – this can range from the uncomfortable at one end of the spectrum to excruciating and paralyzing at the other.
  2. AN INABILITY PROPERLY TO FOCUS UPON ONE’S OWN NEEDS
  3. SELF-HATRED, EXTREMELY LOW SELF-ESTEEM, LACK OF CONFIDENCE
  4. FEELINGS OF SHAME – if we are made to feel guilty to a significant degree, and often enough, during childhood we can develop a constant, profound feeling of shame. [The difference between feelings of ‘guilt’ and feelings of ‘shame is that when we feel guilty we feel we’ve DONE something bad, but, when we feel shame, we feel that we ARE bad (i.e. intrinsically bad)]. Click here to read my article about How A Child’s View Of Their Own ‘Badness’ Is Perpetuated.
  5. POOR CONCENTRATION AND FOCUS (due to intrusive, guilt-ridden thoughts and ruminations)
  6. POOR PERFORMANCE AT SCHOOL OR WORK (linked to number 5, above)
  7. LOSS OF CAPACITY TO ENJOY LIFE / WON’T PERMIT ONESELF TO DO ENJOYABLE THINGS (due to feelings/beliefs along the lines of ‘I don’t deserve to be happy’ or ‘it would be morally wrong to enjoy myself’). Such feelings/beliefs can also be related to conscious or unconscious desires to punish oneself.

It can be seen, then, that, whilst ‘healthy guilt’ has benefits, ‘unhealthy guilt’ serves no beneficial purpose and is solely destructive.

THE LINK BETWEEN UNHEALTHY GUILT AND PSYCHIATRIC CONDITIONS :

Unhealthy guilt can be a symptom of certain psychiatric conditions such as depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Such guilt can be unremitting and overwhelming and, as such, should be treated by a relevantly qualified profession.

 Self-hypnosis MP3 – help alleviate feelings of guilt and shame. Click here.

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

Three Unconscious Psychological Defenses Against Inner Feelings Of Shame

According to psychodynamic theory, if, as babies, we are subjected to significant emotional abuse by the primary caregiver (usually the mother) such as constantly being subjected to her extreme anger, rage and hostility, we are at risk of developing a profound and pervasive sense of inner shame – the unshakable inner conviction that we are bad beyond redemption and worthless to humanity.

This can have extremely long-lasting, even lifelong (in the absence of effective therapy) effects, including great difficulty developing meaningful and satisfying relationships with others  and the unconscious adaptation of three main psychological defense mechanisms, according to the psychodynamic psychoanalyst, Burgo PhD.

inner shame

Burgo identifies these three psychological defense mechanisms against the almost unbearable emotional pain our feelings of inner shame cause us as follows :

1) NARCISSISM

2) BLAMING OTHERS

3) TREATING OTHERS WITH CONTEMPT

1) Narcissism : Narcissists feel a desperate need to be admired by others and to feel superior to them. They may try to achieve this through their appearance (expensive clothes, jewelry, cosmetic ‘enhancements’ etc), occupational/professional success, social popularity and various other means, ‘Above all, they need to be the centre of attention (even notoriety is better than being ignored in their eyes). Their interest in others tends to be superficial at best (unless it involves exposing said others’ weaknesses and ‘inferiority, of course).

All these devices are a largely unconscious (usually) way of trying to keep hidden, concealed and buried a (from themselves and others) their profound inner sense of shame and unworthiness.

2) Blaming others : Because those afflicted by deep, internal feelings of shame cannot bear to be reminded of their own imperfections or to have them exposed, they deflect any blame that it might be their responsibility to accept onto others.

3) Treating others with contempt : This psychological defense works in a similar way to the psychological defense of blaming others (see above). Viewing and/or treating others in a contemptuous manner is very frequently a projection of one’s sense of one’s own inferiority onto others.

RESOURCES :

 

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

Recovering Our Self-Esteem : 6 Key Elements.

self-esteem

If we have experienced significant childhood trauma, such as parental rejection, our self-esteem is likely to have been severely damaged. However, it is possible for us to rebuild it.

Branden (1994) identified six key foundations upon which the development of a healthy level of self-esteem is built; these six building blocks of self-esteem are as follows:

THE SIX KEY FACTORS THAT UNDERPIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF SELF-ESTEEM:

1) Being consciously engaged with the present

2) Being accepting of oneself

3) Taking responsibility for oneself

4) Having a definite and meaningful purpose in life

5) Having personal integrity

6) Having a capability to act in an assertive manner when necessary

recover self esteem

Let’s look at each of these in turn:

1) Being consciously engaged in the present :

When a young child is playing, s/he becomes ‘lost’ in the present, utterly mentally involved with the activity and living entirely in the here and now.

As adults, we tend to lose this ability; instead of living in the present we dwell on/ ruminate about the past (as is often the case for people suffering from clinical depression) and/or worry about the future (which frequently occurs, often to an obsessive degree, in people who suffer from an anxiety disorder), rarely living for now.

Whole lifetimes can be wasted in this manner, possibly spent using drink and drugs in a futile attempt to recapture this childhood mental state of unsullied psychological purity.

However, we can train ourselves to live more in the present through the practice of mindfulness meditation. Indeed, research into the positive psychological effect of mindfulness meditation had yielded impressive results.

2) Accepting oneself :

This means accepting both one’s good qualities and bad (after learning from our mistakes and undertaking not to repeat them we need to forgive ourselves, acknowledging we are a highly fallible human being, like everyone else, rather than torturing ourselves with guilt. Also, making mistakes ourselves can give us empathy for others around us who make mistakes too, and help us not to judge them.

3) Taking responsibility for ourselves :

If we deny any responsibility for our own lives, we deprive ourselves of the motivating belief that we can significantly contribute towards the shaping our own destinies.

4) Having a definite and meaningful purpose in life:

This could be finding one’s true vocation (rather than a job one would rather not do due to financial necessity) which may involve downsizing and living a less materialistic life.

And, of course, some find meaning through religion, spirituality or a political or social cause.

5) Having personal integrity :

This means living an authentic life that is true to who we are, developing our own moral code based on personal reasoning and attempting to live by it.

6) Having a capability to act assertively when necessary :

A key component of this is to value our own needs and not allow ourselves to be exploited by others. This means having the strength and courage to stand up for ourselves in a firm, but not aggressive, manner.

Resource:

hypnosis for self esteemTen Steps To Solid Self-Esteem. Click here.
David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

 

 

Self-Defeating Personality? Its Link To Childhood Trauma.

self-defeating personality

Why Do Some Seem To Have A Self-Defeating Personality?

I have written elsewhere on this site about how my illness caused me to behave in ways that were self-sabotaging in the extreme.

Some psychoanalysts refer to people who are, to put it informally, their own worst enemy, as having a self-defeating personality disorder; below, I briefly explain how this disorder, according to psychodynamic theory, can be strongly connected to traumatic childhood experiences.

Stop_being_own_worst_enemy

Self-Defeating Behaviour And Its Relationship To Childhood Trauma:

Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviour in adulthood, with its roots in adverse childhood experiences, often lies at the heart of addictions (such as drugs and alcohol), compulsions (such as gambling) obsessions (e.g. in connection to romantic relationships), depression, low confidence, pride and poor self-esteem.

However, most people are unaware that the source of their problematic behaviours lies in their difficult early life.

This lack of awareness of what really lies behind our self-destructive inclinations is due to the fact (according to psychodynamic theory) that we repress (banish to the unconscious) the true cause (our painful childhood) as to be conscious of it would be too distressing. This is known as a psychological defense mechanism.

Psychodynamic theory also postulates that it is necessary to break through our psychological defense to bring into consciousness understanding and insight into these clandestine, dark and dysfunctional motivational forces.

Only then can we turn our behaviour around so that it helps, rather than hinders (putting it very mildly in many cases, including my own) us.

Essentially, then, to cure ourselves we need to resolve our, thus far, unresolved childhood emotional conflicts; these may include, for example:

– having been rejected or abandoned by our parents

– having been unloved by our parents

– having been emotionally deprived by our parents

– having been excessively controlled and manipulated by our parents

If we do not resolve these issues (again, according to psychodynamic theory) we will continue to be unconsciously driven to put ourselves in situations that cause us to re-experience the highly distressing emotions originally generated by our traumatic childhood experiences.

BUT WHY ON EARTH WOULD WE BE UNCONSCIOUSLY DRIVEN TO RE-EXPERIENCE THESE DISTRESSING EMOTIONS TIME AND TIME AGAIN?

Well, according to Sigmund Freud, the answer is that this repetition compulsion (as he phrased it) represents our inwardly driven frantic and desperate attempts to gain mastery over the original trauma and its associated negative emotions, something we (inevitably, because we were powerless) failed to do in childhood.


Example:

A woman rejected in childhood by her parents may be unconsciously driven to try to form relationships with utterly unsuitable men who are bound to reject her.


Yes, incredible as it may sound, according to psychodynamic theory, her unconscious mind compels  her to form relationships that are doomed to failure (some go as far as to say all our behaviours are, in the final analysis, unconsciously driven and our sense of control over our own fates is a foolish fantasy; but we are submerging ourselves in murky and hazardous philosophical waters here).

Finally, it is also theorised that we will also interprete events negatively, when it is not objectively justified, in an attempt to recreate our adverse childhood experiences and the negative emotions which pertained to them at the time.

So, following on from the example above, if we were rejected by our parents as children, we may constantly believe others are rejecting us when this is, in fact, NOT the case.

Resource:

SELF-HYPNOSIS DOWNLOAD : STOP SELF SABOTAGE – Click here for further details.

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).

Effects Of Parents Treating Their Children With Contempt

what is contempt?

A particularly devastating form of emotional abuse is when parents or primary caregivers treat their children with contempt.

Psychologists define contempt as a blend of two primary human emotions – anger and disgust. Acting contemptuously towards an individual also entails treating him/her as a much inferior being (eg. intellectually, morally).

Sometimes this contemptuous treatment may be relatively subtle and insidious, perhaps involving making, on the surface, seemingly neutral remarks but delivering such remarks in a condescending tone, perhaps with a slight, barely perceptible, smug, superior and self-satisfied sneer or smirk.

contempt

Or, at other times, the expression of contempt may be flagrant and overt; at such times, the parent may take a sadistic delight in humiliating their child.

When a child is treated in such a way, his/her morale, sense of worth and confidence are gradually eroded away and destroyed.

Why Do Some Parents Treat Their Children With Contempt?

Often such parents are narcissists who have a powerful need to make themselves feel ‘superior to’, ‘above’ and ‘better’ than others.

Many psychotherapists regard people who feel the need to treat others with contempt as employing a psychological defense mechanism that protects them from facing up to their own repressed feelings of shame, unworthiness and inferiority – in other words, they DENY these feelings about themselves, and PROJECT them on to others.

However, the child, of course, does not realize the parent is behaving as s/he does due to his/her own buried feelings of inferiority and is therefore very likely to end up internalizing the parent’s contemptuous attitude to him/ her.

Treatment

If, when we were growing up, we internalized our parents’ negative and contemptuous attitude towards us, and, now, as adults, and as a result, have come to see ourselves as ‘of little worth’, ‘inferior’, ‘unlovable’ etc, therapy may be necessary in order to rid ourselves of such erroneous beliefs. There is evidence to suggest that, in this regard, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may be of particular benefit.

More Information On CBT: click here.

Resource:

Overcoming An Inferiority Complex Self Hypnosis Audio MP3. Click here.

eBook:

emotional abuse

 

David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE)