It has already been stated that as survivors of childhood trauma we often find it very difficult to trust others. We may avoid close relationships in order to avoid the possibility of being hurt.
Whilst this can allow us to feel safe from harm, it can also lead to extreme loneliness.
Research shows that without good social support the childhood trauma survivor is much more likely to suffer emotional problems. Having just one person to confide in, though, can help to SIGNIFICANTLY ALLEVIATE emotional distress.
Because of our negative experiences in childhood, we might often have NEGATIVE BIASES in our thinking when it comes to considering relationships. These are sometimes based on FEAR.
Below are some examples of negative biases we might have when thinking about relationships.
1) everyone has always hurt me, therefore this person will too; I won’t try to form a close relationship with him/her.
2) he/she has let me down. That means he/she will always let me down and is completely untrustworthy.
3) there’s no way I’m going to the party – they’ll be lots of people I don’t know and it’s certain they’ll all hate me.
HOWEVER, in all three examples it is likely our beliefs are erroneous and based on a negative thinking bias caused by our childhood experiences. Below are some ways it would be reasonable for us to mentally challenge our beliefs held in the three above examples.
1) I am OVERGENERALIZING. My past experiences don’t mean everyone in the future is bound to always hurt me.
2) He/she is usually good to me; therefore there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation why he/she seems to have let me down on this particular occasion.
3) I’m being far too harsh on myself – I may be lacking some confidence at the moment but this does not mean people will hate me. Anyway, I can work on ways to gradually rebuild my confidence.
Indeed, there is a therapy called COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY which helps people to get into the habit of challenging their habitual, unhelpful, negative thinking patterns in a similar way to how I’ve illustrated above. I will look at this in more detail in later posts, but, in the meantime, there are many very good books and ebooks on cognitive-behavioural therapy from online bookstores such as Amazon, Google Books and Kindle.
DEVELOPING SOCIAL SKILLS:
One way to do this is to observe others who already possess good social skills – the type of things they do may include:
-smiling reasonably often
-using a reasonable amount of eye contact
-giving genuine compliments (but not overdoing it)
-using the other person’s name when talking to them (but, again, not overdoing it)
Others that can be observed to help develop social skills may include friends, strangers or even characters from TV or cinema. It can be of particular benefit to observe how others deal with difficult situations.
Finally, it is worth mentioning that when developing social skills, it is best to build up gradually, rather than to throw ourselves immediately into an especially challenging social event.
Relationship Help: Click here or on image below:
David Hosier BSc Hons; MSc; PGDE(FAHE).